Mood:  don't ask

While many scoff at IRC in general, and IRC Gor in particular, the people that type the words are real people, with real problems, and real feelings, and real heartbreaks.

His name is actually irrelevant.  He's guilty of nothing.  He's guilty of being himself.  He had said, so long ago, when we met, online, that he wouldn't collar anyone to his personal collar that he couldn't have in his real life bed.  He said that.  

milovane said she would never meet anyone real life, ever again.  

So, you see, it's not his fault.  

But we chatted, we "played", he talked milovane into giving him her phone number.  We spent hours on the phone.  milovane felt safe, loved, protected, even if it was at a distance.  She came to trust Him.  

He *did* collar her, yes, with his personal collar.  She wasn't allowed to wear it where anyone would see it.  It would perhaps hurt other girl's feelings, or...perhaps "the one" would see that collar and then wouldn't allow him to approach, or she wouldn't approach him.  This slave told herself it was okay, it didn't matter, after all, she wasn't going to meet him real life, he'd set the perameters, she'd agreed.

Then he disappeared for a while.  milovane knew it was coming, he was moving.  He told her to travel, find someone else, and milovane did.  She came to the Inn, she met wonderful people, strong people, who truly cared about this one, and who wouldn't let her look away from herself, the bad and the good.  She begged and was granted the collar you see after her name, The Lara Inn, owned by Master Oryx.  

Then HE came back.  Pretty words, push the emotionaly buttons.  At one time even saying, "You know you belong to me, I have never relenquished my claim."  But, deep in this girl's heart she knew the truth.  She knew that she wasn't enough for him, but she took what crumbs he would scatter before her, like some emotionally starved sparrow.  

All the while she got to know Master Oryx, tovah, Master Mortai, Master Brinlarr, and Master Modred, none of whom would let milovane be anything other than she was.  And while they held up the mirror of herself, unflinchingly, milovane grew stronger, more sure of herself.  Or at least so she thought.

So now, he says, it's over...oh, he wants to see this one, visit, "always be friends" ...that sort of thing.  This while i see him for hours with another of my friends...who also will never meet him real life...but that''s okay.  

So, why does it hurt?  Why am i sitting here crying like an idiot?  Can anyone explain this to me?  Why?